Joel Osteen

Can Joel Osteen turn his mistake into a miracle? An astrological perspective

September 19, 2017 3:48 pm Published by Leave your thoughts

Joel Osteen March 5th, 1963, Pisces Sun, Cancer Moon, Rising…anyone’s guess.

“This is my Bible. I am what it says I am, I can do what it says I can do.

Today I will be taught the word of God. My mind is open, my heart is receptive.

I will never be the same. God Bless You.”

Except for you 16,000 looking for refuge during a hurricane at my Church that city of Houston just BARELY gave to me. Screw you guys, I’m going home.

Joel Osteen isn’t built to turn his back on anyone. Actually, it’s his endless abundance of patience, tolerance, and ability to empathically put himself in anyone’s shoes and walk in them that made him a millionaire..billionaire? and allow himself followers around the world that believe him when he says things like….

  • Release offenses and disappointments so you can live in peace and enjoy God’s glory each day.
  • Don’t let unfinished business keep you from God’s best.
  • Receive God’s promises by faith. Whatever you ask for in prayer will be yours.

I’ve asked for a lot of stuff in prayer that still isn’t mine. But all in due time says God via Joel Osteen.

Joel Osteen, can he turn his latest mistake into a miracle?

Yes, a post about another Pisces man.

Joel is a more evolved Pisces than last weeks selection, with all due respect, as young Justin Bieber is an empath coming into his own and is learning how to do some Joel Osteen sh*t himself. The infamous late, great, Linda Goodman had a particular take on Pisces men. Sink or swim. Letting the bottom feeders do just that, she goes on to glorify the Pisces men that actually do put down the blunt and really do spit out a screenplay. Per her words,

“ Neptune intuition coupled with his clever mind can turn him towards sensible goals which could bring him fame and recognition, even wealth and immortality. Practically no other Sun Sign can stop his potential under those circumstances.”

I’m sure Taurus, Capricorn, Virgo, Leo, and Scorpio beg to differ.

But Joel Osteen is a different kind of Pisces. A fish that was blessed. He is one of those that can get into your soul in just a matter of minutes. One that does know your pain from touching your hand. One that can translate a catechism of words that you don’t understand into everyday English, and then sell it to you for $21.95 as a calendar.

Why? How?

Sun in Pisces Trine Moon in Cancer. All that water. He feels everything.  People should suck the soul out of him. Yet, the depletion factor is nullified by Mars in Leo. He feeds off of the woes of the others that look to him as a savior himself. And does he want to save? Yes. For the right reasons? Ehhhhhh….I think his Aries wife may chatter in his ear a little too much; for example, passing around the collection plates while Hurricane survivors took refuge at Lakewood. But that Mars in Leo is opposed Venus in Aquarius. Joel loves crowds. He always says in sermons he was happier behind the scenes, that is until he got a taste of a round of applause. Wow, I just helped thousands of people have a better day in the name of the Lord. This I can get used to.


Chiron is conjunct that Pisces Sun. He loves it, but it’s a cross to bear. He’s tickled pink to talk to anyone, shake their hand, and make their day better. Writing books? Fun. But even he begins to think how many times can I say the same thing in a different way? Plus a day to day calendar, plus daily devotionals, plus weekly sermons, the list goes on. Mercury in Aquarius can handle it. Pisces creativity can always put a fresh spin on an old idea. But even I picked up his last book and thought about sending it back with a note that stated I had already read this from the previous book.

Let’s hear about a time when things sucked ass for this perpetually happy man.

OK! LET’S!  Introducing Lillith, here to show you what’s crappy about your life. Joel Osteen’s is in Libra, and ironically, it says this…

“These people are prone to media, they are inclined to diplomacy, professionals that exert their influence over others, over the masses, they are good public speakers, popular, especially if they are in the mass media (Oprah Winfrey). A public life is essential, they can not live without an audience and others, so seclusion and a sort of creative dedication is non existant here. Everything is just a glamorous desire for applause and accepting the love of a partner, family, friends and the entire world.”

So all of a sudden, your PR team makes a giant faux pas by not opening its giant doors of the biggest house of worship in the city while people knock on them. Some stranger gets on TV and says “we almost flooded ourselves” or “the city of Houston called and said they didn’t need us?”

What?  That’s no Pisces trine Cancer, possibly the most empathic combination the zodiac can spit out. Venus and Mercury in Aquarius should have had feet on the ground, or at least in a boat, passing out waters, sandwiches, flyers saying when the Church would be ready for refugees. But no, none of that happened. Where was Joel Osteen for three days while he let strangers do the talking for him? More concerned with his own house? It’s a mystery to me.

Can Joel Olsteen turn his mistake into a miracle?

But I know this. His worst nightmare just came true. Sure, he’ll always have his devotees. But a good size of people that believed in him, especially in his hometown, now think he’s an asshole. He can try and pray it away. And he’ll shake it off by spinning it off. In time he’ll learn to live with it. But there’s a hole where the adoration once was. How can one speak for a God that promises to be there for you in the darkest time, when you yourself the speaker aren’t there to join the people that you lead?

Lillith got you. Ignored. Apologize.

Too little too late.

Book underperforms. Half empty church means half empty collection plates. And WTF do they need a collection plate for anyway? He should be giving the money back at this point, I think. That’s the Piscean thing to do. But Mars in Leo is too proud to admit that people may think he sucks. Luckily, Lillith is there to remind him.

As for me, I’ve talked to him on the phone. I’ve told him my problems, and he read my soul. He was impressed with my knowledge of the book of Proverbs and said that I had helped thousands of people in just a few moments by briefly telling my story on his Sirius XM Radio show. Shortly thereafter, a Lakewood Church Representative called me on Joel Osteen’s behalf to check on my well-being from that specific phone call and asked if we could pray together. He remembered. The fixed sign Mercury never forgets.  Then at the end of the year, he sent me a calendar.

I was in love with the man. This stranger showed more care for my situation than my parents did. Why? Because he could with that water trine? How? Aquarius’s gift to remember the ones that follow diligently. Soon my checks to the church got bigger each month.

What’s next for Pastor Osteen?

This morning he was on at 9:00 AM doing his sermon and I had no idea what he was saying, which was bad. I watch Joel Osteen to hear the Word, which he delivers with such Leo enthusiasm and charm. Looking up at the TV for a brief minute to see him in his $800 suit, smiling, telling us all to stay strong, ask God for what you want in a prayer once, and he has heard you. The show was a rerun. Many in Houston I’m sure are praying more than once, and I know God is listening.

As for our friend Joel, unless he’s in the mood to let Lillith get the best of him, he better start writing a book called “Where The F*ck Was I When The Storm Hit?”

“Lord Jesus, I repent of my sins. Come into my heart, I’ll make you my Lord and Savior…..” and if you could drop some change in the collection plate that would be cool too.”

If Jesus doesn’t show his displeasure, Lilith will. But either way, only Joel Osteen himself will know his fate for this faux pas. The rest of us will continue to see that Pisces smiling face with those Cancerian welcoming hands, using that gift of Aquarius to know what to say to take the bad and find some good in it. He’ll need to do a lot of that now. Maybe start with the first 16,000 that needed your church and move on from there.

And you can keep your calendar. Ow….oh Lillith stings. Do you like her? We’ll bring her out some more. She’s good fun when it’s not you that she’s having fun with.


Miss Tori )-(

If you would like some insight into yourself or your own relationship, check out our page You can select your birthdate and your partners’ birthdate and get a quick but insightful analysis of your matchup. For even more fun, find the Scope’em app on both iPhone and Andriod.

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